whothehellyoutakemefor

12:55 pm: 80 things you might not know about me.
Erase my answers, fill in your own, and repost.

1. What is your middle name?
Ruth

2. How big is your bed?
Full

3. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing actually, but I've got a Bright Eyes song stuck in my head that I don't remember the name of

4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
4873

5. What was the last thing you ate?
ummm the corner of ashley's sandwich yesterday afternoon

6. Last person you hugged?
Shawn

7. How is the weather right now?
It's really nice actually, shame I've got nothing to do in it

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mimmy

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
ew um.... probably how gay they are, or not gay

10. Favorite type of Food?
Italian hella, Greek too

11. Do you want children?
doubtful but mebe

12. Do you get high?
no

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
I always remember when I'm drunk

14. Hair color?
After Midnight Blue, it's also my forehead color, my pillow color, and my shower color

15. Eye color?
brown

16. Do you wear eye contacts?
no

17. Favorite holiday(s)?
Halloween and Guy Fawks Day (lol)

18. Favorite Season?
Summer *sigh*

19. Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
a couple girls yes

20. Last Movie you Watched?
umm Daria; is it College Yet?

29. What books are you reading?
I don't read books anymore but I would be reading "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Pahlaniuk

30. Piercings?
Just 2 in each ear

31. Favorite Movie?
Hedwig And the Angry Inch! and recently Velvet Goldmine (though they're both kinda the same thing) but also I love Romeo + Juliet, Thumbsucker, and I Heart Huckabees

32. Favorite college football Team?
ew

33. What were you doing before filling this out?
hacking out a lung, dealing with what I call "nose splody" and just plain dying

34. Any pets?
DA KIKI, Mr. Batman, and Darkness though I hate him so

35. AIM?
lolz

36. Dogs or cats?
kikis

38. Favorite Flower?
sadly I don't remember

40. Have you ever loved someone?
I don't know

41. Who would you like to see right now?
I can't tell

43. Have you ever fired a gun?
In my mind...many times

44. Do you like to travel by plane?
ugh no! actually I just don't like traveling

45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-o

46. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Probably california to see jermy

48. Are you missing someone?
no idea

49. Do you have a tattoo?
Not yet

50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
no, you have to get up early, and cartoons suck nowadays

51. Are you hiding something from someone?
sort of but not really

52. ARE YOU 18?
ugh no

53. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE?
Some colorful picture of little drink parasols

54. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
god NO

55. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING?
how much I hate life

56. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
well since I'm sick, my cellphone, tissues, orange juice, water, and the remote

57. GRILLED OR FRIED?
depends on what it is

59. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?
HA, I'm not a UNIQUE sir

60. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
no

61. FAVORITE HANGOUT?
my house or ashley's house with hella peeps

62. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
ugh I don't know

63. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 4 THOUSAND DOLLARS?
plane ticket to places

64. FAVORITE SONG?
I dunno... that blood brothers song never gets old, and neither does the velvet goldmine one, or Jumpers

65. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
umm spiders and your mom

66. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?
gay

67. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
hellastella, manda, mander...the other ones no longer exist to me :P

68. WHAT IS YOUR DAD'S MIDDLE NAME?
couldn't tell ya *shrug*

69. WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?
Marie

70. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD ONLY BRING ONE THING?
a knife, for survival or in case I wanna go the emo route of things

71. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
fuck commercials

72. WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER?
verizon (t mobile and sprint suck HA)

73. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
my hos (meaning my mom and my bother and my kikis) photo albums + home movies, then all my expensive electronic equipment

74. Favorite color?
dunno... it's a toss up between hot pink and lime green and lavendar

75. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING WITH YOU?
Cell Phone, wallet, keys, that's about it

76. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
fuck I don't remember

77. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS?
um nothing?

78. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
black

79. WHO DO U WANT TO MEET?
John Cameron Mitchell, Sicily, and Paul Banks

80. WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT BEF0RE Y0U G0 T0 BED?
a LOT

02:14 pm: WORD
Choose a band / artist: Bright Eyes

Are you male or female: When the curious girl realizes she is under glass

Describe yourself: Easy/Lucky/Free

How do some people feel about you: It's cool we can still be friends

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Lover I don't have to love

Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush: Amy in the white coat

Describe how you love: Falling Out of Love at This Volume

Where you want to be right now: Driving Fast Through a Big City at Night

What would you ask for if you had just one wish: All of the truth

Share a few words of Wisdom: Take it Easy (Love Nothing)

Where Do you Live?: At the Bottom of Everything

Now say goodbye: The Vanishing Act


Choose a band / artist: Radiohead

Are you male or female: Faithless the Wonderboy

Describe yourself: Rabbit in Your Headlights

How do some people feel about you: paranoid android

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Coke Babies

Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush: Nice Dream

Describe how you love: Knives Out

Where you want to be right now: Planet Telex

What would you ask for if you had just one wish: How To Dissapear Completely

Share a few words of Wisdom: Good Morning Mr.Magpie

Where Do you Live?: Inside My Head

Now say goodbye: I can't


Choose a band / artist: Jack Off Jill

Are you male or female: Girlscout

Describe yourself: Poor Impulse Control

How do some people feel about you: Confederate Fag

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Cumdumpster/ Don't Wake the Baby

Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush: Covet

Describe how you love: Horrible

Where you want to be right now: Yellow Brick Road

What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Surgery

Share a few words of Wisdom: Bruises are Back in Style

Where Do you Live?: This Town

Now say goodbye: Choke


Choose a band / artist: The Smiths

Are you male or female: Pretty Girls Make Graves

Describe yourself: Half a Person

How do some people feel about you: What She said

Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: I started something I can't finish

Describe current boyfriend/girlfriend/crush: I want the one I can't have

Describe how you love: I Keep Mine Hidden

Where you want to be right now: Back To the Old House

What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Death At One's Elbow

Share a few words of Wisdom: A rush and a push and the land is ours

Where Do you Live?: London

Now say goodbye: I know it's over

02:16 am: I hate this lj but oh well
Issue 1: Seattle
I can't stand it there anymore, it's not this fun place I look forward to going to anymore, there's no excitement at all, not to mention every corner I turn there's a memory attached to it, a person a time a different feeling that's not there anymore (emo but get over it). The people there freak me out, the anxiety comes over me in bad waves and it makes me fucking sick (btw I don't mean freak me out in a "omg that guy has dreadlocks and walks a cat" kind of way). And then when I was talking back to the market I zoned and just starting thinking about the few places that don't make me feel like this and most of them just don't make me feel the same way anymore. I even visited one of them during break and I felt nothing, no infinance (making up words lolz), no pain, nothing, it was shit. I've gotten sick of the areas around me that I thought I'd never get sick of, I thought I'd never want to live anywhere but here but I can't stay here anymore. I want to leave and find new places that make me feel, that I can't attach memories to, that I can start over with. It's like my hair, It changes with me when I change so why can't I change location too?
Issue 2: Step man/drunkeness this evening
Bob totally thinks he's moving back in. After sarah went home I come upstairs to make small talk with him (he comes around friday's to see reece) and he just starts talking and going down this path that makes me mentally grab for my ears and say "lalala I can't hear you shut the fuck up". He humbles himself in this sickening way that resignates with reece because he's little but makes me and my mom feel the horrible weight of obligation. He talks like he doesn't get it, like he's going to "change" like he's said he would a million times over, he's going to stop drinking and be a nice guy everyone likes so he can be with us still. He said it took a lot to get my mom back in with him and it's going to take more to get me, I wanted to vomit right then in there (not in a stupid way, like for real) i felt freaked out. He said he took his time away from us, out in the trailer in black diamond, thinking about how he was wrong and how he's going to better himself, and he thinks that mom's been just SO busy that she just didn't have time to think about but she will now and she'll see it soon. SEE WHAT? SEE THE FUCK WHAT? You are reece's dad, woo hoo, but you're not mine, you can't try anymore, and even if you get mom over, which I doubt because we are just done, you can't ever be my dad again, not ever. He said he wants to have lunch with me tomorrow so we can talk and I don't want to, I don't want do I don't want to I don't want to! I see it now, just sitting there feeling trapped, listening to his humble bullshit feeling sorry for him because it's just so pitiful. I don't want to hear "sorry", I don't want fucking roses, or lunches, or dinners, or anything, I DON'T WANT YOU, GO AWAY. When I was drinking tonight, after I got rid of sarah I took a shower and just stared at my shower curtain for a long time, I didn't notice how cold the water was for a long time and I just scrubbed and scrubbed at my head with three different shampoos in an attempt to get everything out. I dried off and just kind of sat half naked in a ball listening to the fragile fearing a return, not because I think he'd ever have power over me, because that's not possible, but it's a presence I don't want or need, I hate him here, it makes everything so..wrong, and I thought about the feeling in Issue 1, and I just need to get away from everything, strictly because of and for me, I'm not trying to leave people, cept bob, I'm just trying to feel better, and certain places make me feel like shit just because they are places.

09:50 pm: 1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
yes, sometimes


2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I have no idea

3. What did you do when you were in school in the 3rd grade?
I realized that the people in Maple Valley are bitches, oh and aparently I was running around hitting people with my sailor moon umbrella

4. What is the best thing about your job?
that I don't have one/that I don't work at a shit place like sarah or kaitlin

5. Do you like more than one person right now?
yes

6. Are you against same sex marraige?
yes, those fags can burn in hell for their horrible sins...wtf

7. Did you vote for Bush?
obviously not

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Europe or Alaska

9. Have you kissed any of your myspace friends.
what a gay question...I'm not even going to answer it it's so gay

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?
girls

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
not anymore

12. last book you read?
Fight Club

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?
head splody

14. Where have you lived most of your life?
washington

15. What was the last convo you had about?
how gay sarah is and how ashley totally pwned this dude.

16.Where do you see yourself in 4 years?
san fran mebe

17. What's your favorite smell?
dunno

18. What is your favorite sound?
dunno

19. Are you moody?
for the most part

20. Favorite movie of all time?
Hedwig is my homegirl

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
yes

23. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
ha no

24. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
nope, but I will, I'm sure of it

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
der, another gay question

26. Have you ever gone camping?
fuck camping

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's friend?
yeah okay I might date younger than me but I draw the line somewhere

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?
prolly when I was little

29. Have you ever gone streaking?
no

30. Have you ever had a stalker?
of course, I have one right now, it's fat and it's ugly and it's called angelica

31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
no

32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
all the time, usually with steven or ashley

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only one who would go to the party and stay sober?
uh yeah right, total reverse

34. Have you ever been in love?
I doubt it

34. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
I could write a novel for the drama section

35. Have you ever lied to your parents?
fo sho

37. Have you ever been out of the country?
oh canada

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
only once

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
nah I used clips and only a hat occasionally

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
ew hella sick

41. Last song you listened to?
Interpol...der

42. Have you ever spied on someone?
haha of course

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
sure?

44. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
yeah and I took pictures LOLZ

46. When was the last time you slept for more then 12 hours?
this weekend

47. Have you ever been arrested?
nope

48. Most embarassing CD you own?
I dunno, prolly my old anime soundtracks

49. Have you ever stolen anything?
not from a store

50. Have you ever drunk egg nog?
yeah, it's icky

02:26 pm: GOODBYE
I don't think I'm going to write in this one any more because it's gay.
I'm making a new one in light of my english teacher making us write in journals, and I like what I've been writing so I'm only gonna post those in there.
Perhaps I'll tell one or two of you :P

09:23 pm: meh shit:
Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
Interpol - Antics (Special limited 2 disc edition)
Bright Eyes - Digital Ash From A Digital Urn
Bright Eyes - Lua EP
Placebo - Once More With Feeling (The Singles - 2disc set)
The Broken Social Scene - You Forgot it in People
Zeromancer - Eurotrash
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever to Tell
Sneaker Pimps - Becoming X
Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticsm
Death Cab For Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (2 disc)
Scarling - So Long Scarecrow
HIM - Razorblade Romance
HIM - Dark Light
From First To Last - Dear Diary My Teenage Angst Has a Body Count
Mindless Self Indulgence - Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy
The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium
Underworld - Soundtrack
Mix CD - #8 by me
Mix CD - "these songs rock and so does manda"

ALL OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW
he's HELLA buying them ALL back for me
Not to Mention:
HIM - Love Metal
Brand New - Deja En Tendu
Mix CD - Teaches of Peaches etc
which I SAVED
FUCK I AM PISSED

11:33 pm: what the shit did I just write? god I am fucking banned from being emo, you hear me?
I change my mind faster than anyone I know
in the immortal words of the fucktarded one:
"what the fuck man?"

04:48 pm: SO god damn immature
wtf is your problem? so the fuck what if kaitlin sat in the back seat with me, that is no reason to sit around and pout for two fucking days, and for what? do you see me do that? no, why? WHO THE FUCK CARES? that is the gayest/most immature thing I've seen anyone do since I was in fucking kindergarten.
you wont even talk to me? what the hell, stop your fucking testosterone mopey control issues because they're fucking stupid and it only makes us think you're retarded and crazy.

07:48 pm: I got my sg book in the mail and it's godly
sicily - the love of my life - only has one page sadly
but I found this one chick's page and I loved her picture so fucking much and this is what she wrote on her profile thing:

To the one that I adore, a letter from my heart
I don't have your bones and your skin but I want them
Your Abandoned Ignorant of Love

I don't know why but I thought that was the coolest thing ever, I can't find that pic anywhere because it's a self portrait in the book, but I fucking love it. I checked out her profile and she writes more things like that, I so love her.
I cannot wait until I'm 18

01:23 pm: "your head will collapse and there's nothing in it and you ask yourself; where is my mind?"
ugh you like her and you know it
erf, no don't think about it

sweet angry jesus I get my liscence on the 10th (if I don't fuck up) I think I'm going to squee myself, life will be so much easier in my sg/gay pimped out car (with a badass stereo)

and holy crap I just noticed brad is a few rows down from me...EWEWEW
haha faggot I don't have to be nice to you anymore. :P :P :P
also answer me this, wtf (why the fuck) does he always carry around a plastic borders shopping bag? omg he's a bag lady... I KNEW IT... ew, his face just emerged from the screen...double chins.. I need to go throw up now.